The capital of Slovakia is somewhere I've never managed to imagine. Although I've never been to San Francisco or Miami, I can picture their tram-lined streets and beach side bars. But I really didn't know what to expect from Bratislava.
It's a town spliced by the mighty Danube, dividing inhabitants between the pretty little Old Town in the east and the sprawl of communist concrete blocks that race away westwards to form an alarmingly fragmented cityscape.
The Old Town has wholeheartedly embraced cosmopolitan cafe culture, albeit in a somewhat sedate manner. Through the winding, cobbled alleys and the leafy boulevards, you'd be hard pressed to travel more than ten metres without encountering a cafe.
The eminently strollable centre is overlooked by the mighty Bratislavsky Hrad, the sight of which has housed some sort of fortress since the end of Great Moravia, around 907.
The castle was completely burned to the ground in 1811, owing to "the carelessness of Austrian and Italian soldiers". How rude.
For various reasons (namely regime changes and the Slovakian administrations prevaricating) the rebuilding process wasn't started until 1953. Under Soviet guidance, with all the aesthetic subtlety of a challenger tank, Bratislava gradually regained its castle, at the price of losing any individualism.
The castle today comprises a squat concrete square, adorned on each corner with featureless pillars, turreted in red tile that resemble boring party hats. Mock stone has begun to be arranged on the characterless walls, but this is a laborious and time-consuming process. It could be some time before Bratislavans can once again look up at their castle with pride.
The views from the castle show the other half of Bratislava - homogeneous, high-rise and uninspiring. The best structure on the west side of the river is a bridge genuinely resembling a UFO. I am told a disco is held at the top of its pillar every Saturday.
Whatever else it is, Bratislava doesn't feel like a capital city, any more than it feels like it's in Eastern Europe. Pleasant but unforgettable, Bratislava's laid back feel is, I suspect, somewhat more down to its veneer of Mediterranean cafe culture, rather than its charming cobbled streets and archwayed courtyards.
I'm sure Bratislava has an identity but, in our twenty-four or so hours around the town, Claire and I are at a loss as to what it is.
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